And every time you hurt me, the less that I cry…

Way Too Good at Goodbyes

Pain ebbs and flows. Learning to mend, pick up the shattered fragments a piece at a time. Beware the sharp points that will slice into you as you retrieve them. Pain comes in sharp gasps and drips red-hot. As the drops fall, so do the tears. Detachment begins, masking the fury and betrayal. 
Refusing to stoop to the lowest rung, determined to keep herself strong. But nobody sees the tears that well up, so easily distracted by her smile. Each day is a struggle to breathe and start anew. 

All the lies and the deceit. Reeling from all the hits. She keeps going, she keeps loving but she keeps hurting. Wondering when it can fade, the scar’s still too fresh. She is moving in slow motion as the rest of the world zooms past. Bright lights flashing past as the world plunges into darkness. 

She turns to Him, praying for ease. 

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Loss and lost

To be honest, this whole year so far has thrown me off balance. I don’t even know if I am surviving or gasping for breath. I feel like I am constantly suffocating or drowning.

I knew from the start of the year that something has definitely changed. You changed. From being this wonderful person I adore, you changed into someone cold and unfeeling. 

Loss. Not my first. But still, each one had a spark of hope. When loss emerged, you turned into stone. I became a zombie. I needed you. But you were there unfeeling and silent. 

My mind, consumed with grief and searching for comfort, could not take the silence. I blew up. I lost it. You withdrew even further away from me.

Somehow someway I crawled back to reality. Then I felt it. The nagging subconcious that refuses still to go away. Heart broke into pieces when you called out in your sleep. Someone else. Someone else.

And so it began, shouting and screaming and crying. Endless hours of staying up to talk. Desperately wanting you to reach out and hold me, tell me that you will always be there, like you promised. But you didn’t.

I sought answers. I prayed, I searched, I begged. Bit by bit, I began to learn of things. I began to see what was hidden from me. Then the whammy appeared. A person confirming what I had already suspected for months. 

I broke. All the anger faded away. All I felt was sadness. 

Letters arrived. With it, possibilities. 

I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t know how much more strength I will need. But for myself, for them, and for you, I will. 

Even if it kills me.