You know when you were just starting out in the relationship, you’d have long conversations on the phone till the wee hours of the morning?
Loved the conversation we had this morning. Basically reminiscing about the past, like, how he loved to see me in the jj skirt. :p
We both don’t understand how it is that he always initiated meetups even after the breakup. That made getting over him so difficult, I tell you! But I always agreed to meet, always couldn’t say no. Even though it just hurt me more when he would go back to someone else. Thing is, he said he had to learn things the hard way. All those times, he didn’t realize that he loved me from back then. Somehow, it was always me that he would look for. I guess it was fortunate that I let him go and he came back to me, kept coming back to me. Or was it fate?
There are things we don’t remember anymore. Like where did we go on our 3rd date. How come we always chose that particular spot to meet up. Why he initiated meetups. I guess as we build better memories, the old ones start to fade.
You know what I love most about Syafrein? Its the fact that he doesn’t give up on people. He’s just like the lyrics in that Katy Perry song, “hard candy with a surprise center”. He has that awfully soft spot in him. We all make mistakes, some more than others, some more often, some bigger than others. It is very difficult for me to forgive. I’m the total opposite to Syafrein when it comes to mistakes. But fact is, I am only human. I make mistakes too. And I made a big one. I tried my best to push him away, push him hard and far. He held on though. He held on softly, firmly, unrelentingly. He held on even when I pushed him to his limits.
I had to wake up then, didn’t I? How can I push him away? I look at his history, I look at all the things that he has done for me and for us. I told myself to stop being so stupid. Why regret? He is all I ever wanted and he wants me too. I definitely don’t want to end up looking back on memories, simply because that’s all is left. I don’t want to watch him being with someone else, knowing what we have. I do not want to be that person, again, having to look at his life from the sidelines, hurting all the while.
He makes it easy for me to love him, to be happy, to be myself. He makes me want to be a good wife, to the point that I gave up all my nail polishes. He makes me feel peaceful, at ease with myself and the world, at ease with Him too.
Countdown countdown. Clock ticking away to our wedding dates. Reflections, realisations. I am just glad I realised in time how much he means to me and how important he is in my life. Not gonna let him go again. This time, I am holding on for life.
“Seikhlas hati, sepenuh hati, sedalam-dalamnya, selama-lamanya…”
Rumour has it… 🙂