Loss and lost

To be honest, this whole year so far has thrown me off balance. I don’t even know if I am surviving or gasping for breath. I feel like I am constantly suffocating or drowning.

I knew from the start of the year that something has definitely changed. You changed. From being this wonderful person I adore, you changed into someone cold and unfeeling. 

Loss. Not my first. But still, each one had a spark of hope. When loss emerged, you turned into stone. I became a zombie. I needed you. But you were there unfeeling and silent. 

My mind, consumed with grief and searching for comfort, could not take the silence. I blew up. I lost it. You withdrew even further away from me.

Somehow someway I crawled back to reality. Then I felt it. The nagging subconcious that refuses still to go away. Heart broke into pieces when you called out in your sleep. Someone else. Someone else.

And so it began, shouting and screaming and crying. Endless hours of staying up to talk. Desperately wanting you to reach out and hold me, tell me that you will always be there, like you promised. But you didn’t.

I sought answers. I prayed, I searched, I begged. Bit by bit, I began to learn of things. I began to see what was hidden from me. Then the whammy appeared. A person confirming what I had already suspected for months. 

I broke. All the anger faded away. All I felt was sadness. 

Letters arrived. With it, possibilities. 

I don’t know what the future will bring. I don’t know how much more strength I will need. But for myself, for them, and for you, I will. 

Even if it kills me. 

Home

Ok, time to reveal my super obsessive side, especially in house/home matters.

Have been pinning for some time about the different parts of the house where I need more structure/organization. So that’s mainly the kitchen, bathroom and our home office/studio.

My main area of concern is the kitchen. Coz it’s just sooooo small. Pfft. Went to a friend’s house in yishun and saw their BTO kitchen. I swear, my brain went on shutdown. It’s tiny! And you know how most BTO will have similar sized rooms. Gah.

Anyway, have mostly planned for a galley kitchen with one side being 2ft in depth and the other just 1ft. Hopefully it works out. Or maybe stick to the 2ft on either side idea, just… One side without top cabinets? Help!

20130919-102224.jpgpicture taken from homedepot.com

We decided on this colour scheme for the kitchen coz of this picture. And when we went to ikea, we saw a similar looking concept albeit with a much darker grey shade. But it is definitely gorgeous. Sigh!

Then after pinning numerous kitchen ideas, I thought of having our dining area as a breakfast nook. Pin pin pin and… I saw this!

20130919-103017.jpg
Picture taken from http://www.lookslikewhite.com/blog/2013/2/23/kitchen-and-bath-seafoam-and-white.html

It’s a sign! Hurhur! Ok, not ok with the floral design on the backrest. But the rest, it’s just soooo soothing to my eyes.

I might change my mind again later but so far, this is IT for the kitchen and dining colour scheme! *throws confetti*